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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.